Tears
by Ankh-Ascendant
Summary: 3rd in the series of Magnificent Bastard and Pain. Seto reflects upon how it got to this point. MokubaSeto


Tears

Author: Setosgirl

Pairings: Mokuba x Seto

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. I don't own Seto. I don't own anything, because I'm a communist ( )

Summary: 3rd in the series of _Magnificent Bastard_ and _Pain_. Seto reflects upon how it got to this point.

Words: 1,322

Rating: PG-13

I was focused so hard on what he was doing to me... how he was training me... that I never saw what he was doing to you. I thought I was protecting you. I thought I had stopped him from hurting you when I killed him - that he had never touched you and now never could. In a manner of speaking, I was right...

He never did lay a hand on you. The worst that happened to you was that you had to watch as he beat and tortured me. I felt so sorry for you then, and every time I cried, it was not because of what he was doing to me... it was because you had to see it. And through my tears, I never saw that look in your eyes. The look I've come to know so well. You were taken in, suckered in by that power... he trained you as thoroughly as he trained his all-too-efficient employees to make his all-too-efficient weapons... he made _you_ his weapon...

I failed. I failed so thoroughly in my self-appointed mission, my guardianship, to keep you pure and innocent like I didn't have the chance to be. You've become everything I thought I was turning into, everything Yugi saved me from actually becoming... I'm so sorry, Mokuba...

For years, I still didn't know. I saw the signs, but I ignored them, thinking it was all in my imagination... or that it was just a phase... a normal thing... It's not like I would know, after all. I never went through anything normal. I've never been normal, and I didn't want to take that experience away from you... so I just let it happen...

If I had realized, would I have been able to stop it from happening to you? If I had been smart enough to recognize what I saw your eyes when you heard that He was dead... would I have been able to make that look of glee vanish? Or would I have just turned away and pretended I didn't see it? If I had known what you were becoming the first time you hit me and I saw that same cold look in your eyes - could I have punished you? Or would I still have just turned my face away and blamed myself?

After that... I think it was too late. By the time you started expecting me to let you beat me, by the time I was forced to realize what was actually going on, you were too far gone. I like to let myself believe that, at least. If it's not true, then that means that I should have done something differently. I could still have overpowered you at that point. Should I have? Should I have fought back?

I don't care if I should have. I couldn't. I could never hurt you... except that I already have. I could never hit you, could never lay a hand on you, no matter what. No matter what you do to me. But I've already hurt you. I've let this happen to you, and that's caused more damage than any physical blow could ever do. I'm so sorry.

But… at least you've never hurt anyone else. I can't prove that you have, anyway. There have been things… but I think I'm being paranoid. You've never hurt anyone else. You're not that kind of person. You wouldn't do that – I believe that. I have to believe that. If I thought you would actually hurt someone… I couldn't do this. I don't think I could let this continue, even as much as I love you, if I thought it was hurting someone besides me. God knows I deserve it.

Actually… I would. I couldn't stop you. I could never stop you. Stopping you, not letting this continue, would be hurting you as much as fighting back, and I can't… I just can't do that. This is my fault, my responsibility, and I'll deal with it… I have to. Alone.

I can't leave, though. Not that I would, but if I wanted to – I can't. I can't do that to you. I made this mess, and I have to deal with the consequences. As long as I stay here, with you, you have no reason to hurt anyone else. If you never hurt anyone else, then everything is still okay. If you went too far, though – if I left, though – you couldn't do it. You would hurt someone, or worse, and it wouldn't be okay anymore. You wouldn't be okay. You would get into trouble, and I wouldn't be able to protect you… and I have to protect you. I have to stay with you. You need me. And… I know it's sick… but I want you to need me.

I can never leave you… I can never fight you… I can never deny you. Perhaps, once upon a time, I could have. I _should_ have. I know when everything changed. If at no other time, there was one night I should have fought you… I should have shown you that there were limits to everything. The first night you went too far, went beyond the fists and the insults and forced me. I don't – to this day, I don't – know if it was rape. I could have stopped you. I know that. I was bigger, stronger, older… I could have stopped you. If I had had enough guts to stop you then, to defend myself, you would have learned that there are limits, that you can't get away with everything…

Either that, or you would have killed me.

I was very aware of the possibility. I have always been aware that you are capable of it. Perhaps even that you are planning to do it. I don't know… I know that there is that darkness inside of you, but there is more – I know there is more. There is light, the light that's always kept me going, for your sake and no one else's. That light is still there. It has to be. I can't have sold my soul and lost my childhood just to lose you after everything…

But it gets harder to see that light. Every time you hit me, every time I see the lust and thrill of power in your eyes and know that you mean to hurt me, every time you whisper your filthy words in my ear or tell me again that you don't love me, you're only using me – I've gotten used to it, and I know it's not true… you scared me the first time you told me that, and I nearly killed myself that night, but I know now that you only say it to hurt me, and it works, every time – your light grows that much dimmer… It will never go out, no loving god could allow that to happen, but it grows so dim… I'm losing you. And I'm lost without you.

But, as long as you continue to come back to me, I know you need me, and as long as you need me, there's still a light inside you. Because as long as you need me here to hurt and rule, you don't want to hurt anyone else. No matter what, as long as you don't want to hurt anyone else, you're still a good person. I believe that. I have to believe that.

You'll come back to me. You'll hurt me, make me bleed, make me cry. Because that's what you want, isn't it? You want to see me cry. And I do. I do, all the time, but you rarely see it. And still my tears aren't for me… I still feel sorry for you. Not because of what you're doing to me, but because I failed you, let this happen to you. And because you have to live with your self like this.

The End

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Copyright © Setosgirl


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